He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
