your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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