the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Randomize
