my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
