So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
