i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
