I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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