the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
