I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
