My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
