We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
