Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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