rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
