She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
are you so shy because you have an std?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
