why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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