Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
