New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
