I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
