that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
