Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
