Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
