is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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