I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
