True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
