That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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