I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
