Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
