i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
