There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
