how can u be prego again
I met the friendliest cop last night
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
