Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
