From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
