Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
