Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
