I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
