I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
