i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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