I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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