I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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