Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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