May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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