My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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