oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
