Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
