I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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