In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
