girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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