I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
