at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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