So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
