Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
