I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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