Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
