Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
