I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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