i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
