Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
