I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
